Journal Entry-Costa Rica

I thought I would go ahead and put one of my journal entries online instead of writing something new. Ive had a few comments that people appreciate the personal nature of my posts, so here you go.

Nov 10th - next step Central America

Its just now sinking in for me that I am doing this. Im nervous and a little in disbelief. Why did I do this? Is this happening? Do I have the right personality for this? I dont think its seemed real and still doesnt. Now its go time. Me, just me. Most of the time I have peace about it. Im embracing what I think is my "free spirit". Am I a free spirit? I feel like Im on a conveyor belt. Im moving forward, not of my own energy. I chose to be on it, but Im not driving the machine. Im along for the ride in my own life. My current philosphy, that I constantly remind myself of is, "take it as it comes". This practically means that I am not forcing things to happen, as is my nature at times. Im taking what comes to me, without great effort. So if a direction seems blocked, well its not meant to be. I just try something else. So far its working well. Im in a meandering river, like when you float the Boise River in a tube rather than a raft, you go along with the flow rather than guiding your way. "Go withthe flow" is a term Ive asked others to embrace when on a mission or trip with me. Now Im trying to employ it in my own life.

So if you arent tired of the metaphors yet, one more because they are the best way to explain something intangible. So the other image I currently have is an open hand. I have been holding on to life too tightly, like a clenched fist. Slowly, I am trying to lessen my grip and relax it. This way it will be able to accept new things, embrace another hand etc. Letting life come to me. God, I hope you have a plan! It is a daily choice. Its hard to let go of control of your life, your future, even the present day. The times they are a changing. Can a Type A pesonality really change? We shall see. A respite for the soul. It is taking more work than I thought to do this. To really let myself enjoy. Enjoy the moment, enjoy the journey. I am always a person who prepares for everything. This will not work that way. This phase of my trip is like the Italy portion of Liz Gilberts book, "Eat pray, love". Learning to appreciate simple pleasures in life. What better place than Costa Rica, where the motto is "pura vida" - pure life, good life. It has been hard for me to emotionally let go and allow myself this time. I have guilt about self-indulgence, but Im working on it. Im learning to value self-care as much as I do hard-work and productivity. Recapturing love of self, simplicity, the unknown, the unexplainable, and slow things. I want to discover and appreciate what is truly important in life. Trust. Trusting in God, trusting in myself. I think I mainly trust myself and think everything depends on me. Which is ironic, because right now it does, but in a different way. As I arrived at the Hostel Costa Rica Backpakers in San Jose last night, I realize how alone I am and probably will be. Its like going to the movies by yourself--supersized. Few people except the shuttle driver has really said anything to me. Everyone is in couples it seems, which makes sense. But Im being gentle with myself and just letting it be, even though Im freaking out a little. It will be fine. I am willing to try something new. and see what happens. Everything is new at this point and nothing is planned. So anything can happen.

Well, now you know my inner thoughts. Bam...there you go. Im going to church in a bit and see how that works for me. Im the only one in my room at the moment, which is great. Its cold and rainy. I had a ton of layers on last night. This may be one crazy adventure....what am I saying.....IT WILL BE.

okay, until next time.