Patience...A State of Being

So, not much has developed on the job front since my last entry. Richard's with the bank people from Mexico meeting never happened. They never contacted him. Finally on Friday (a week later) he skyped with his friend Rodrigo (whose working in Mexico for this company) and he said they said they called and no one answered....um NOT. He also said that he would manage the project from there and..........the golden words....to be patient.

I can't say that I am completely surprised it turned out this way. I have thankfully learned that patience is not as much a verb in Latin America as a state of being. It's not something you do, but a part of who you are. It blows my mind at times that this is now my reality, and that it hasn't driven me mad yet. I certainly have undergone a change if this is indeed my new way of being.

Richard had just let it go. He's not the human bloodhound of information like I can be. Inquiring minds sometimes don't have to know. So weird....He said, "If they want me they'll contact me." He didn't want to do one thing to find out what had happened. He just moved ahead. I couldn't do it. I kept pestering him to find out. I had to know....did they come? why didn't they follow through? I just had to find out the story. It is just too strange for me and my world, but I know it's not for how things seem to work here. Patience....umhumm. Super human patience to accept what to me is ridiculous behavior. So the possibility is still on the table as an option, but with no timeline for when or what or how....just wait. Probably, as most things, it will happen one day, out of nowhere. It's like dancing...slow, slow...quick!

Thankfully, being patient and letting go of that which is beyond my control is something I can now do a little easier without going crazy, as I would have in the past. It is so disconcerting having everything up in the air. Fixating on what next? It is difficult as it's hard to plan without information, which is probably why Richard doesn't plan...EVER. We have things we need to purchase for the house, but depending on if we are staying or not changes things...and on and on...and yet....there is no answer but....wait or make a decision and keep going...and wait.

As many things we learn in life, patience is not something that we aquire overnight or something that we are consciously aware of obtaining. It is like holiness. It is a way of life that is cultivated over time and with much grace. It is a slow transformation that comes from living differently I am convinced. We are usually more aware of patience when we don't have it. Serenity now! Patience, waiting without anxiety, isn't something that you can will yourself to do, as I tried to do for many years. It's easy to speak of patience, waiting, letting things happen in their own time, letting go etc. but really for me it was often an intellectual disposition. I'll be patient as long as I see progress and have enough information about the future to make me comfortable. It's definitely one of those things more easily said than done. So, for me becoming a "patient" person has come from a change in life, not really in a mental change. At first meaning...insanity or surrender...I don't think there is any other way, for me. So I chose patience. I don't think I'd look good in a trenchcoat.

I used to hold on to life very tightly , and I think this came from a need for control. Control provides a sense of security. If I can see far enough into the future, I can plan, and I won't be caught off guard. Then I can relax enough to let things unfold. However, complete abandonment to the unknown, without any hints or glimpses of what is next is more the norm of life and far more disconcerting. If we need control and we can't have it, of course we feel anxious, tense, fearful...stressed. As a Christian, I knew that I had to let go, to live with an open hand and heart to recieve; that I am not in control of...much of anything. However, that didn't stop me from holding on to the illusion as much as possible.

I still have moments of panic, like last week, when I just need some information in order to let go. But, the anxiety in face of uncertaintly has greatly decreased. Thankfully, I can let go and not fixate on all the things in my life that are a big unknown void and not be a crazy woman. These past few years have somehow allowed me to release the need to control, to know, to manage to make things happen and I am so thankful for this blessing. It is pure gift. As the things that I can't control have greatly increased. I am able to let go get angry or over analytical, as I did in the past. Thank you God!

We know that stress is so unhealthy; so I'm so thankful that these stressors have not effected my health or my pregnancy or such things. I don't have any magic answers but a lot of thankfulness. And on a final note. To talk about things that one can't control....let's talk about childbirth. I mean seriously....that is a whole other arena. It has taken me longer to come to peace with all of it. Hospital birth? Home birth? Clinic birth? Unexpected c-section? Medical issues that might be an issue? and now it's when....when will labor start? will I be able to do my hypnobirth meditation? will they respect my birthplan? questions and questions? How will the baby be? So many variables, with no answers.

So thankfully, just recently, I have also let go (mostly) of the tension of trying to wish my way to the birth that I want for us and just let it take its course. Just when it seems that I have conquered one mountain of patience another one presents itself. Over and over....never ceases to amaze me. It's a constant effort to live life patiently. I'll let you know if we suddenly are moving to Mexico but at least I know that a baby will be born in the next month. Some things do have a natural end! (here is week 37 photo)

I wish you peace and patience in your life.