End of Week 3 - finding redemption

So, it's been 3 weeks. It's gone quickly and slowly at the same time. Maybe that means the time is passing...normally, healthily. I guess enough time has passed that I have started to relax. I think I was still wound up pretty tightly about all of this. I have some healing to do about my past to ministry jobs, my feelings about the Roman C. Church, about institutions. I also have a lot of questions to deal with and now that I will soon have more time to "think", I cannot avoid them. Questions of spirituality, purpose, meaning etc.

It took so much work and effort to drastically change my life the past 2 and a half months that I think I was holding my breath and clenching my teeth. It was a whirlwind of activity and stress. Making sure everything was taken care of and staying on track. The night before I left was really the worst. I so wanted to just give up in a heap on my parent's living room floor. I was exhausted. I didn't want to have to sort through the mountain of possible items that could go with me or make one more decision. My personality and my ministry are a dangerous mix. I am willing to work for my ideals and I feel others should too. I get very frustrated when I experience too many road blocks or intrasigent personalities.

Now that I think about it, it's my life's curse and greatest blessing. I am what some call "a perfectionist". I prefer the title "reformer" the other has too many negative connotations. On the ennegram personality inventory, I am a definite One. Ones: Reformers, Critics, Perfectionists. People of this personality type are focused on personal integrity. Not content to be as they are, Ones feel the obligation to be better. They must somehow rise higher, beyond human nature into the realm of the Absolute. Ones can be wise, discerning and inspiring in their quest for the truth. The greatest fear of Ones is to be flawed and their ultimate goal is perfection. Ones are people who are motivated to improve their environments and overcome moral adversity in order to make the world a better place. Ones learn to repress their emotions and instincts in order to stay true to their principles. By trying to become perfect they may create their own personal hells. When they understand that it is important to trust life and accept things the way they are they begin to improve themselves.

For more than you ever wanted to know, see: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeOneOverview.asp If you haven't taken this inventory before, I highly recommend it. It's very informative for personal interior work.

Anyway, the point is I can be my own worst enemy. I think that I have become too critical of my ministerial contexts and have lost the ability for flaws and imperfections. I was holding onto life, ideals and stress too tightly. It's going to take a while to really let go and move into a more grounded state where I don't live in constant frustration with myself and others. I think working with others in pastoral care allows me to be present in a different way than other work. It allows me to be in the moment and others can't be perfected, so it gives me a freedom to accept.

Well, this is getting deep. Sorry about that but hey, you don't have to read it. The point is, I am starting to feel myself not holding on so tightly. It's a good thing. Have a great week.